(with apologies to the many who have sung this terrific song).

I’ve taken an old classic, and put together a few new verses for it. Maybe someone more talented than I could record it.

Nobody Knows You When You’re Down and Out: 2006

Once I lived the life of a Sena-taire,
Spit on my voters, I just did not care.
Rebuked Bill Clinton, an unkind attack,
Voted for cloture and war in Iraq…

Then I began to fall so low,
Lost the primary, I did not have nowhere to go.
I get my hands on some respect again,
I’m gonna hang on to it with a goofy grin.

Chorus:

‘Cause no, no, nobody knows you
When you’re down and out.
In your corner, not one Demmy,
And as for friends, you don’t have any.

When you finally get back up all your senses again,
Everybody wants to be your old long-lost friend.
Said it’s mighty strange, without a doubt,
Nobody knows you when you’re down and out.

When you finally get back up all your senses again,
Everybody wants to be your good old long-lost friend.
Said it’s mighty strange,
Nobody knows you,
Nobody knows you,
Nobody knows you when you’re down and out.

Once I had the support of the DLC,
Now they’re all leaving, even Hillary.
John Edwards backs Ned, John Kerry does too,
And Evan Bayh, oh now what should I do?

Supporting Bush’s splendid melee
Def’nitely was the “kiss of death” for me.
I guess now that the only place to go
Is down to Fox News for my own network show…

It may be too early to count one’s chickens before they are hatched, but after the recent news featuring some pretty bad polling numbers for Lieberman, and rumours that his attempts to get a GOTV ground campaign going are faltering — he’s unable to get enough people willing to go hit the streets — things are not looking good for the Senator from Connecticut.

There are still those out there who say Joe’s campaign is not dead yet. To them, I wish the best of luck. Nonetheless, such a statement inevitably made me think of Monty Python…

(click for larger version)

This collection of parody Web 2.0 corporate logos is the bestest.

(with apologies to Green Day)

Springtime has come and passed
Claims like these can never last
Wake me up when Fitztember ends

Leopold is passing gas,
While Wayne Madsen talks out his ass.
Wake me up when Fitztember ends.

Here come the claims again
Falling from their jaws
A “source close to the case” again,
What fools they think we are!

As my champagne goes flat
I’ll never forget just what they spat
Wake me up when Fitztember ends.

Springtime has come and passed
Claims like these can never last
Wake me up when Fitztember ends.

Wring out your claims again,
Like you did when “Plame” began.
Wake me up when Fitztember ends.

Here come the claims again
Falling from their jaws
A “source close to the case” again,
What fools they think we are!

As my champagne goes flat
I’ll never forget just what they spat
Wake me up when Fitztember ends.

Springtime has come and passed
Claims like these can never last
Wake me up when Fitztember ends

Leopold is passing gas,
While Wayne Madsen talks out his ass.
Wake me up when Fitztember ends.
Wake me up when Fitztember ends.
Wake me up when Fitztember ends.

When Kanye West’s song “Gold Digger” hit the airwaves, it was an instant hit.

Of course, when that happens, the parodies ensue.

I heard the new Howard Dean Yahoo! Local radio spot on WTOP this afternoon, and about lost it; it’s pretty funny, and really kind of catches you by surprise. Brilliant job on the part of Yahoo!… Although I am kind of sad that the scream wasn’t directly used in association with the signature yodel. I have a sneaking suspicion based the other Y!L ad I heard, that it was probably written into the script that way originally, but Dean was likely opposed to it.

Peace be unto their families.

But we’re making progress, right?

<mij^> wtf, mozilla changed firebird's name again
<mij^> it's now firefox
<sethk> what!?
<sethk> are they trying to screw up their own productization or something?
<mij^> http://www.mozilla.org/press/mozilla-2004-02-09.html
<sethk> to avoid overlap with another open-source project, hrm
<chaley> firebird firefox thunderbird wtf?
? chaley/#whiteboard head spins
<chaley> since firebird (or firefox or whatever-the-fuck) started as mozilla minus all the crap, it should be called "mo"
<sethk> heh
<ibri> thanks Unfurl
<epw> or less_zilla
<chaley> would it be lesszilla or fewerzilla ?
<chaley> or lessismorezilla
<mij^> stopchangingyourfuckingnamezilla
<Bill> Wait... Firefox was that lame movie with Clint Eastwood.
<xPhase> what are you talking about, firefox was the greatest movie of all time!
<xPhase> (or something completely unlike that)
<Unfurl> fox force five?
<mij^> heh
<sethk> shoink!
<teedz> fox as in it's a sexy browser, force, as in it's a force for IE to reckon with and five, as in we'll change our name one, two, three, four, five times before 1.0 is released
<chaley> LOL
<Unfurl> teedz: hahah

lisa says to you, "dude, i need the link to your actual, active blog"
lisa says, "my bookmark file died, and your old LJ blog doesn't show it anymore"

Funny thing about bookmark files. You accumulate a lot of cruft there that you never look at again, yet you never realise how much you’ve stored there until you lose it.

“Browser Bookmark Blues”
(apologies to Don McLean and “American Pie”)

A long, long time ago
I can still remember
How the pages used to make me smile
And I knew if I took the hint
That I should make those pages print
And maybe they’d be safe, then, for a while
But browser crashes made me shiver
with every webpage it’d deliver
Bad news on the page load
It wouldn’t take one more goad
No, I can’t remember being brash
When I saw the blue screen crash
But something made my bookmarks trash
The day the browser died.
So…

Chorus:
Bye-bye “Miss America” site,
“Driving Chevys”, “Jacques Levy”, “Feel Like Chicken Tonight”
“Da Geto Boys”, Inky Blinky and Clyde,
Browser, this would be the day that you died

Did you see the “Hamsterdance”
And did you have it linked, perchance
If the shortcut showed you how?
Now do you believe you saved the site?
Can you retrieve this page just right
And would you send the URL to me now?
Well, I knew that you’re in love with “Jack””
’cause I had it bookmarked, “Hotmail hack”
But now my links are gone,
Man, I miss that anime pr0n…
I was a lonely surfer browsin’ news
Reading soundbytes from the Reuters news
But I’m screwed now, yeah, I have the blues
The day the browser died
I’ve started singing….

(chorus)

Now, for five days I’ve been on my own
Can’t find that site for the Rolling Stones
But that’s not how it used to be
When it used to link emulations sites
Yes, it kept track of the hockey fights.
And it showed me where to catch my flights.
Oh, and now that things are looking down,
I can not wipe away this frown
The bookmark list adjourned.
All my “eBay cheats” are burned.
Oh my message board links, they are gone
Along with helpful tips for a greener lawn
And the flash version of 3D Pong
The day the browser died
And I am singing…

(chorus)

“Helter Skelter” in my ‘OLGA’ folder
As the ashes of my bookmarks smoulder
All my ways to procrastinate…
And a “Starbucks” latte coffee pass
Yes it’s hoax that failed, alas, alas.
I’ve been looking in vain but now it’s getting late.
Now the Half-Life link is M.I.A.
The “Pulp Fiction soundboard” went away.
I never got to play
The role of Shoutcast indie DJ.
‘Cause my browser went and bit the dust
Seemed my cookies caused the thing to bust
Is there anything left that I can trust
Now that my browser died?
I still am singing…

(chorus)

Oh, and they were all there sitting in one place
…the fanboy page for “Lost in Space“…
I’ve got to go and start my list again
So come on people, send me links
To the “Space Quest” page of hints and tricks.
While my bookmark file is on the mend…
I watched the meltdown take effect.
Goodbye to “Star Trek”, “BattleMech”
No action could help quell,
Could break this cold death knell.
And as the numbers climbed high, out of sight
I lost that sweet MP3 site
My friends were laughing with delight
The day the browser died.
And still I’m singing…

(chorus)

I met a girl on ICQ
And I asked her for some things to do
But she just logged off, and refused my text
I went down to the Yahoo! store
Where I’d seen the discounts days before
But without my bookmarks I was truly vexed,
And in misery, I lost my mind
The cursing flew, I went half-blind
But no scrap was recovered
The bookmarks were all smothered.
And the three sites I admire most:
Google, Slashdot, and Space Ghost
They’re all that’s left, my browser’s toast
Today, my browser’s fried,
I can’t stop singing…

(chorus)

Another SCO Group parody, to complement Lady Caldera. This is, if it’s not obvious, a parody of “Another Brick in the Wall Part 2″

I actually wrote this a while back (9-Dec), but I wanted to keep a copy of it before it was too hard to find on Slashdot.

(With apologies to Pink Floyd)

We don’t need no litigation
We don’t need no spin control
No Darl McBride praise in the chatroom
Pumpers, leave this stock alone!
Hey! Pumpers! Leave this stock alone!
All in all it’s just another turd in the stall
All in all you’re just another turd in the stall

We don’t need no litigation
We don’t need no spin control
No Darl McBride praise in the chatroom
Pumpers, leave this stock alone!
Hey! Pumpers! Leave this stock alone!
All in all it’s just another turd in the stall
All in all you’re just another turd in the stall

“Wrong! Dump it again!”
“If you can’t beat the street, how can you have any earnings…
How can you have any earnings, if you can’t beat the street?”
“You! Yes, you behind the bodyguards, stand still laddy!”

Gibb me some o’ dat: St. Joe is returning to the Washington Redskins.

I heard inklings of this last night, but the CBS link above has a little more meat to it.

I also have very little doubt that Mr. Crabbypants Daniel Snyder is offering Gibbs a more-than-reasonable compensation to make up for the fact that Gibbs will have to give up his minority share in the Falcons.

Some may look at this as a desparate move by a desparate owner (Snyder), but I think that while it’s fantastic news, it’s also a very shrewd strategic move. More than a couple Redskins defensive players had already announced earlier in the year that they would leave the team if the Skins got a new D coordinator.

Well, according to CBS, the Skins will get a new defensive coordinator, former Bills HC Gregg Williams… but like hell any of those guys will leave now, not when the opportunity to play under this legend is sitting there right in front of them!

GO SKINS!

(Click for larger version)

(to the tune of the Beatles’ “Lady Madonna”)

Lady Caldera, stock price at your feet.
Wonder how you’ll manage to make ends meet.
Who has the money? How you pay the rent?
Did you think that UNIX trademark was heaven sent?

Wednesday morning news just like a bombshell.
We all watch their stock drop like a rock.
Caldera has learned kiss its arsecheeks goodbye.
See how they run.

Lady Caldera, IP fakes confess!
Wonder how you’ll manage to keep up this jest.

See how they run.
Lady Caldera, lying in the press,
Blackmailing the righteous ones, in your duress.

Wednesday afternoon is never ending.
Thursday morning news will be as bad.
Thursday night your stocks, they will need mending.
See how they run.

Lady Caldera, stock price at your feet.
Wonder how you’ll manage to make ends meet.

Per request…for spampy – an image for the movie Gulf Fiction, slated to come out this winter.

I may continue to work on this, if I get any creative ideas.

(with apologies to Bob Dylan)

Talkin’ John Ashcroft Paranoid Blues

Well, I was feelin’ sad and feelin’ blue,
I didn’t know what in the world I was gonna do,
Them terrorists they was comin’ around,
They was in the air,
They was on the ground.
They wouldn’t gimme no peace. . .

So I run down most hurriedly
And joined up with the Tom Ridge Society,
I got me a Citizen Corps membership card
And started off a-walkin’ down the road.
Yee-hoo, I’m a real Op:TIPSter now!
Look out you Arabs!

Well, I was lookin’ everywhere for them gol-darned Rags.
I got up in the mornin’ ‘n’ looked in my bags,
Looked in the sink, behind the door,
Looked in the glove compartment of my car.
Couldn’t find ‘em . . .

I wus lookin’ high an’ low for them Rags everywhere,
I wus lookin’ in the sink an’ underneath the chair.
I looked way up my chimney hole,
I even looked deep inside my toilet bowl.
They got away . . .

Well, I wus sittin’ home alone an’ started to sweat,
Figured they was in my T.V. set.
Peeked behind the picture frame,
Got a shock from my feet, hittin’ right up in the brain.
Them Rags caused it!
I know they did . . . them hard-core fundamentalist ones.

Well, I quit my job so I could work alone,
Then I changed my name to Sherlock Holmes.
Remembered a clue I’d almost forgotten:
The ‘merican flag is made of cotton!
That ol’ Betty Ross . . .

Well, I search all the books on the library shelves
Cuz you can’t trust it as done by anyone else
I found some characters I didn’t understand.
Knew right away it had to be the Koran
I just hope no one saw me searchin’

Wouldn’t want them to think I was a terrorist lurchin’

Now Leiberman, he’s a Middle East spy,
Al Gore, Gephardt and them Democrat guys.
To my knowledge there’s just one man
That’s really a true American: Attorney General John Ashcroft.
I know for a fact he hates Arabs cus he’s born and raised in the midwest!

Well, I fin’ly started thinkin’ straight
When I run outta things to investigate.
Couldn’t imagine doin’ anything else,
So now I’m sittin’ home investigatin’ myself!
Hope I don’t find out anything . . . hmm, great God!

(Not to be confused with my first fit of creativity)

Says George W. Bush, “I meant what I said to the prime minister of Israel. I expect there to be a withdrawal without delay.”

So George W. is really reiterating that Israel back the hell off of Arafat and friends. I dunno, I just keep imagining the scene from Pulp Fiction, when Butch and Marcellus end up in the Mason-Dixie pawnshop, except this time, it’s Israel who has the Palestinians pinned to the floor, beating the crap out of ‘em.

---

Israel: So you like terrorizing people, huh? Well guess what, big man, you’ve terrorized me –United States: [Wielding a pump-action shotgun, aimed at them]

– hold it right there, godammit!

Israel: Look mister, this ain’t any of your business –

United States: — I’m makin’ it my business! Now toss that gun!

Israel: You don’t understand, man –

United States: No, you don’t understand, drop the gun and let the Arab go!

---

Garden Grove (Redux)

With apologies to Sublime

We took this trip to Garden Grove
Shoulda stayed inside the van, oh yeah

This ain’t just cyber-cafe violence,
Duke Nukem at the door,
It gets so real sometimes, who cut my line?
I’ve got the TCP, got the DSL,
I’ve got the gamepad, and a highway to hell, oh yeah

If you only knew all the fraggin’ I find,
It’s hard to keep my life o-offline

You’re a fool, don’t mess with my avatar
All I can see I can kill
I fill up my hard drive, cuz in my mind
Fraggin’ from the cafe, all the rage that I found
It’s hard to keep my hate underground,

It’s you, it’s that Half-Life under my shoe,
It’s the email covered with spam,
It’s that crazy new game jam,
Lots of traffic on the LAN,
Getting blisters on my hand,
Watching Quake thugs having to stand,
Getting up to take a crap
Never stop to take a nap
Getting stabbed with no delay
Starting fistfights every day
Leavin’, I always have a tail
Spending the night in a jail
Livin’ in my parents’ pad
Getting really, really mad
Sayin’ yer laggin’ when you’re not
Finding ways to slip the cops

Oooohhh…
All these thoughts, they fail
When I’m waiting for bail…

[I came up with this last night. Apologies to Quentin Tarantino]

SCENE: DUBYA and COLIN POWELL DRIVING DOWN THE STREET

“…you know what they call a B2 Bomber in Iraq?”
“They don’t call it a B2 Bomber?”
“Naw, man, they don’t use the Roman alphabet, they wouldn’t know what the fuck a ‘B’ or a ’2′ is”
“What do they call it?”

“Ji-had buster.”
“ji-had buster! What do they call a Tomahawk missile?”
“Tomahawk’s a Tomahawk, but they call it an ‘Imperialist Tomahawk’”
“What do they call a Patriot missile?”
“I dunno, I didn’t go to Israel.”